Managing After-School Restraint Collapse
- willowandoakelc
- Jun 11
- 3 min read
For the longest time, I didn’t have a name for what happened with my sweet little toddler when I got him home from daycare. He was such an easy kid, and then, after enrolling him in daycare at 16 months, our evenings became a time of day I dreaded - tantrums over things he normally took in stride lasted over an hour, he’d cry for reasons I couldn’t figure out, and the routines and strategies that normally soothed him didn’t seem to work. The mom guilt intensified as I assumed it was due to being apart for so much time each day. Then there were questions, like Is he learning this behavior at school? Is he unhappy there?
It would take a few years, but I would eventually learn that what he was going through was After-School Restraint Collapse (or Post-School Restraint Collapse)- a phenomenon that encompasses what happens when children of all ages are finally released from being “on” all day.
From the time many children wake up in the morning (or are woken up), they’re following directions. Eat your breakfast, get dressed, grab your bag. Then it’s off to school or daycare, where they again face a lack of autonomy and are at the mercy of a routine or schedule that is dictated by a teacher. They navigate peer relationships, control impulses (or deal with consequences if they aren’t able to), and deal with any number of disappointments or struggles throughout the day (Schamuhn, 2024). Even if they had a great day, played with friends, and enjoyed their meals, they’re still held to the expectations of the classroom, still navigate the nuances of friendships, and still work to do their best. Then, when all of that is over, and they reach their safe space, the floodgates open.
It’s also important to note that because every child is different, they experience restraint collapse differently (or sometimes not at all). Some may let their feelings out in a really big, volatile way, others may shut down and disconnect. Most will probably fall somewhere in between, with increased tantrums, more push-back, or extra clinginess.
It’s also possible for restraint collapse to ebb and flow - showing up at the beginning of a new school year, when starting group care for the first time, or during times when stress may be higher (like during standardized testing or when there are also changes at home).
When navigating Post-School Restraint Collapse, my first recommendation is to focus on the bottom three tiers of Maslov’s hierarchy of needs.
Start with the physiological needs - food, water, and rest. A filling snack, a chance to re-hydrate their bodies, and time to just be where no one is asking anything of them can go a long way toward getting them back to baseline.
Next up is safety. While it is important to ensure they’re physically safe, we really want to focus on emotional safety here. This includes validating feelings, letting the tears flow, being present with them in their emotions, and holding firm but kind boundaries. Emotional safety also includes the stability of a familiar routine and knowing what to expect next. These things serve as a reminder that you are in their corner and provide a safe landing space for all of their big feelings.
Finally, there’s the social needs, where we focus on connection. Approaching the behavior with grace is key here. Co-regulation to help them work through their feelings, designated one-on-one time that is focused on positive connection (even just 10 minutes), and being present with them as they go through the upheaval that comes with restraint collapse can help them come back to baseline a little easier.
My second recommendation is to remember that this is a normal (and arguably, necessary) part of development. They’re actively learning and internalizing lessons on how to manage stress and care for their own emotional needs. As we support them through this, we are giving them a blueprint for how to navigate those same feelings and hardships as adults when they’ll face similar pressures in college or in the workplace. Over time, they’ll be able to identify their feelings and choose healthy ways to regulate and work through them.
For further reading, check out the following links!
Til next time,
Brooke
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